Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car