Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I am HOWLING at this
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
selena gomez
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍