Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You Might Also Like
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
584.
Bruh
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc