Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart