Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
You Might Also Like
sistine chapel
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
In email they should change āSave As Newā to āUgh, Iāll Deal With That Later.ā
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually itās gonna come out.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Canāt I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Her: Iām an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoeverās left gets to change my poopy diapers when Iām done looking after myself. Long story short, theyāre now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
You dunk one babyās foot in ranch dressing and suddenly youāre banned from the salad bar.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Wait for it! š¤£šš
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says āvengeanceā
me:
interviewer:
me: you donāt remember me do you?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
šµ Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! š¶
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express travelerās checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, youāre excused
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!