@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

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@brendohare

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

@pixelatedboat

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@SamanthaRae49

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@BoogTweets

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

@goldengateblond

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.