Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

I’m crying im so happy for them

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?