Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.