Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
this post was so formative to me
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A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.