Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

ㅤ

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

My neck, my back, my…

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.