Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Sign of the day..

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Ion see the issue

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”