Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.