of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool