of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”