Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

The booster protects against what, now?

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.