of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.