Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

based

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

this year felt like being awake during surgery

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

The news is so predictable nowadays

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

No way!