Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

British people

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.