Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00