Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Holy moly
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?