Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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A family that plays together cheats.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m crying im so happy for them
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”