OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)