Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”