Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards