Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book