Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

that de-escalated quickly

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts