Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E