Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.