Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?