“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Breaking news:
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution