Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You Might Also Like
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
love it when they get my name right
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
oh she’s cooked
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Morning my dudes.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.