Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠