Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You Might Also Like
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Man these end times are taking forever
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.