Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

So Hamburger help me, God

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride