“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Beware…..
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.