“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
what’s more important?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
wait a minute….
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.