“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.