“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”