Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.