Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me checking my bank balance online.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps