Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back