Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
You Might Also Like
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*