Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup