Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Generation gap…
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.