Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(