Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.