Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
How about I get 100% off by already being there
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Put this video in the Louvre
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
