Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”