Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
FINE, I WON’T.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Ironic
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
there has never been a better use of this meme
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.