@Darlainky

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

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@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@DeanB15

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@LoveNLunchmeat

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@thetigersez

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.