Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.


Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.


I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.


BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no


My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.


The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.


Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.