Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss called in sick of me

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

We know he can swim but…

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

groan^2

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go