Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

This forever.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.