Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I only eat vegetarians.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.