Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.