Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.