Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You Might Also Like
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms