Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.