Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.