Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

in the ocean

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

finally found a reasonable question

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.