Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
there’s music for literally every activity
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler