Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
You Might Also Like
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
lmao
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor