Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.