Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.