Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Sign at work today

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Merica.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.