Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
nyc:
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.