Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Can’t, holding a grudge
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
