Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.