Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You Might Also Like
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
😂🤣😂🤣
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.