“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
How about daylight saves us for once
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My what?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
he was correct
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad