“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife