Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You Might Also Like
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?