so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
relationship goals
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel