@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

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@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@MakesYouGiggle

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@PatsATweetin

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

@mommajessiec

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

@Harbinger_one

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

@abbycohenwl

Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen