As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.
America: We want the British out
Australia: We want the British out
India: We want the British out
Britain: We want the British out
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I have so many questions.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen