Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
*jingles half the way*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.