Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities