Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Batman v Dracula
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.