Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality