Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps


I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today


i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”


By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.


Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?


If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.


Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.