Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.