Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*