Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You Might Also Like
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!