Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
dictator is short for richard potato
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.